Journal · Nonviolent Communication · What it is
NVC Feelings and Needs List: The Vocabulary and How to Use It
The NVC needs list and feelings list in tables: feelings when needs are met or unmet, 7 need categories, the pseudo-feelings trap, a worked example.
Valérie Fabre, Founder & Director, Harmonika Institute · September 13, 2026 · 9 min read
Key takeaways
- NVC runs on four steps. Observation, feeling, need, request. The lists exist to make steps two and three sayable.
- Feelings split into two columns. Roughly 60 words for when a need is met, 80 or so for when it is not. Most adults use fewer than 10 of them.
- Needs sit in about 7 categories. Connection, physical well-being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy and meaning, in the version most facilitators use.
- Some words on the feelings list are traps. “Abandoned”, “ignored”, “manipulated” describe what someone else did, not what you feel. Marshall Rosenberg called them pseudo-feelings.
- The list is a training wheel. After 6 in-person days and 42 teaching hours, our facilitators stop reaching for the sheet. That is the point of the sheet.
Ask a room of thirty adults to name what they are feeling right now and you will get “fine”, “tired”, “stressed” and, from one brave person, “anxious”. Four words. The NVC feelings list has more than a hundred, and the needs list another sixty or so. The gap between four and a hundred is what a Nonviolent Communication facilitator works with, and this page gives you the lists themselves, then shows how they are used in a session.
If you are here to decide whether to train in NVC, and what facilitation certification involves, our article on Nonviolent Communication training from practice to facilitation covers that. This one is the reference sheet and the craft of using it.
What are the four steps of NVC?
Marshall Rosenberg's model, developed from the 1960s and set out in his 1999 book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, asks a speaker to say four things in order. An observation free of evaluation (“you arrived at 9:40” rather than “you're always late”). A feeling that is actually a feeling (“I'm anxious”). The need behind the feeling (“because I need reliability when we plan around clients”). And a request that is doable, positive and in the present tense (“would you text me if you're going to be more than ten minutes late?”). Our course manual gives Module 4 to that last step alone, because a request that sounds like a demand collapses the whole sentence.
The lists below serve steps two and three. Nobody needs a list for observations or requests. Almost everybody needs one for feelings and needs, at least at first.
Feelings when needs are being met
These are the words for the pleasant side. Facilitators group them loosely by quality; the groupings are a memory aid, not a doctrine. The table is condensed from the vocabulary in our course manual, which follows the list published by the Center for Nonviolent Communication.
| Family | Words in this family |
|---|---|
| Affectionate | warm, tender, friendly, loving, open, compassionate, sympathetic |
| Engaged | curious, absorbed, alert, interested, intrigued, fascinated, stimulated |
| Hopeful | expectant, encouraged, optimistic |
| Confident | safe, secure, open, proud |
| Excited | amazed, eager, energetic, enthusiastic, lively, passionate, surprised |
| Grateful | appreciative, moved, thankful, touched |
| Inspired | amazed, awed, wonder |
| Joyful | glad, happy, delighted, pleased, tickled, jubilant |
| Peaceful | calm, clear-headed, comfortable, content, relaxed, relieved, satisfied, serene, still, tranquil |
| Refreshed | rested, restored, revived, rejuvenated, renewed |
Notice how few of these most people say out loud. “Relieved” and “content” are used; “tender” and “moved” almost never, especially by men in a workplace group. Part of the facilitator's job is to make the quieter words available without making anyone perform them.
Feelings when needs are not being met
The longer column, because unmet needs generate more differentiated states, and because this is where most conflict conversations start.
| Family | Words in this family |
|---|---|
| Afraid | apprehensive, dread, frightened, mistrustful, panicked, scared, suspicious, wary, worried |
| Annoyed | aggravated, displeased, exasperated, frustrated, impatient, irked, irritated |
| Angry | enraged, furious, incensed, livid, outraged, resentful |
| Aversion | appalled, contempt, disgusted, hostile, repulsed |
| Confused | ambivalent, baffled, bewildered, hesitant, lost, perplexed, puzzled, torn |
| Disconnected | alienated, aloof, apathetic, bored, cold, detached, distant, indifferent, numb, withdrawn |
| Disquiet | agitated, alarmed, disturbed, rattled, restless, shocked, startled, troubled, turbulent, uneasy, unnerved, unsettled |
| Embarrassed | ashamed, flustered, guilty, mortified, self-conscious |
| Fatigue | beat, burnt out, depleted, exhausted, listless, sleepy, tired, weary, worn out |
| Pain | agony, anguished, bereaved, devastated, grief, heartbroken, hurt, lonely, miserable, regretful, remorseful |
| Sad | dejected, despair, despondent, disappointed, discouraged, disheartened, forlorn, gloomy, heavy-hearted, hopeless, unhappy |
| Tense | anxious, cranky, distressed, edgy, fidgety, frazzled, irritable, jittery, nervous, overwhelmed, stressed out |
| Vulnerable | fragile, guarded, helpless, insecure, leery, reserved, sensitive, shaky |
| Yearning | envious, jealous, longing, nostalgic, pining, wistful |
Two words in this table deserve a footnote. “Anxious” and “despair” are everyday feeling words and also clinical vocabulary. A facilitator uses them in the everyday sense and knows the difference. If someone in a group describes a persistent state that sounds beyond a mood, the facilitator's role is to notice, name the limit of the room, and refer. Our guide to ethics and difficult situations in practice gives the wording.
The universal needs list by category
Rosenberg's claim, and the claim of the whole model, is that behind every feeling sits a need that all humans share, and that conflict is about strategies, not needs. Two colleagues both need respect; they fight over whether respect looks like being consulted or being left alone. The list is deliberately short on strategies and long on the layer underneath.
| Category | Needs in this category |
|---|---|
| Connection | acceptance, affection, appreciation, belonging, closeness, community, companionship, consideration, empathy, inclusion, intimacy, love, mutuality, respect, safety, security, support, to be known, to be seen, trust, warmth |
| Physical well-being | air, food, movement, rest, sexual expression, shelter, touch, water |
| Honesty | authenticity, integrity, presence |
| Play | joy, humor |
| Peace | beauty, communion, ease, equality, harmony, inspiration, order |
| Autonomy | choice, freedom, independence, space, spontaneity |
| Meaning | awareness, celebration of life, challenge, clarity, competence, consciousness, contribution, creativity, discovery, effectiveness, growth, hope, learning, mourning, participation, purpose, self-expression, stimulation, to matter, understanding |
Read the connection row again and count. Twenty-one needs, and that is the category most people have the least language for. In our Module 3 the exercise is simple and slow: a partner tells a short story of a recent irritation, and you guess the need from this table, out loud, until she says “yes, that one”. It takes most students three or four guesses. By the last classroom day it takes one.
What are pseudo-feelings, and why do they matter?
They are words that look like feelings but are really a judgement about what someone else did to you. Rosenberg's own examples include abandoned, attacked, betrayed, bullied, cheated, ignored, manipulated, misunderstood, neglected, pressured, rejected, unheard, unsupported, used. “I feel ignored” contains an accusation (“you ignored me”) wearing a feeling's clothes. The listener hears the accusation and defends. The conversation is over before the need was named.
The fix is mechanical, which is why it can be taught. Every pseudo-feeling hides a real feeling and a need. “Ignored” usually unpacks to “lonely, and I need to be seen”. “Manipulated” often unpacks to “wary, and I need honesty”. “Pressured” to “tense, and I need choice”. Our course manual lists this under “common confusions” and has students translate a page of them in pairs before lunch on day two.
From the training floor
The pseudo-feeling that trips up the most students is “disrespected”. It sounds so much like a feeling. Then someone asks “what do you feel when you are disrespected?” and the room goes quiet, and the answers come: hurt, angry, small, embarrassed. Four different feelings, four different needs, from one word that had been hiding all of them. That silence is the moment the method lands.
How do facilitators use the lists in a session?
Physically, on the table. Most NVC facilitators hand out the two lists on a single sheet and keep a copy in view, because a group reaching for words under stress needs to see them. Here is how a one-hour session in our Module 6 format uses them.
- 1
Check-in (8 minutes)
Each person picks one feeling word from the sheet and one need, no story. “Restless; movement.” Ten people, under a minute each. It resets the vocabulary before any content.
- 2
Observation practice (12 minutes)
Pairs take an evaluation (“my manager is a micromanager”) and strip it to an observation (“my manager asked for three status updates yesterday”). No lists needed; this step trains the eye.
- 3
Feeling and need guessing (20 minutes)
One partner tells a two-minute story. The other guesses, from the sheet, what she felt and what she needed, in the form “were you frustrated, because you needed to be consulted?” Guessing wrong is fine; the guess is the empathy.
- 4
Request drafting (12 minutes)
Each person writes a request for the situation in her story: doable, positive, present tense, and one the other person could refuse. Then the group tests it: is that a request or a demand in disguise?
- 5
Close (8 minutes)
Same as the check-in, one feeling and one need each. Facilitators listen for whether the words have moved since the start. Usually they have.
That is the training format. In a live mediation between two people, the facilitator uses the lists silently, guessing feelings and needs for each party in turn and reflecting them back until both say “yes”. Our Module 5 covers that, and it is the part of the program that cannot be learned from a sheet.
A worked example, sentence by sentence
The raw version, said by a nurse to a colleague at shift change: “You left me with a mess again. I feel totally disrespected and I'm sick of it.” Two evaluations, one pseudo-feeling, no need, no request. Here is the same message rebuilt with the lists.
- Observation: “When I came on at 7, two of the room charts weren't updated and the med cart wasn't restocked.”
- Feeling (from the unmet column): “I felt overwhelmed and a bit resentful.”
- Need (from the needs list): “Because I need support at handover, and some predictability about what I'm walking into.”
- Request (doable, present tense, refusable): “Would you be willing to do a two-minute verbal handover with me at 7 tomorrow, even if the charts aren't done?”
It is longer. It is also answerable. The colleague can say yes, or say “I can't at 7 but I can at 6:50”, and neither of them has to defend her character. Students often object that nobody talks like this. True. The lists are training wheels; after enough repetitions the structure goes inside and the sentences get shorter again.
Scope of practice
An NVC facilitator teaches a communication method and mediates conversations. She does not counsel, does not treat, and is not a licensed mediator unless she holds that credential separately; some states regulate court-connected mediation. The Center for Nonviolent Communication's certified-trainer title is its own multi-year path (cnvc.org), distinct from any private facilitator certificate, including ours. Check both the title you plan to use and your state's rules before you take paying clients.
Where do you learn to use this without the sheet?
In a room, over days, with people who push back. Our May 2026 survey of U.S. providers found that the NVC world's cultural standard is the 9-day residential International Intensive Training, priced around $1,800 to $3,500 with lodging, and that the official CNVC certification takes 3 to 5 years and at least 50 days with certified trainers, event by event, usually $5,000 to $15,000 in total. Most people who want to facilitate at work, in a school or in a practice do not want that path. They want the vocabulary to become reflex.
That is what our in-person Nonviolent Communication facilitator program is built for: 6 classroom days (42 teaching hours), plus about 38 hours of personal study between sessions, for $2,500 in a cohort of ten. The certificate is a private one and is not CNVC certification; we say that on the first page of the manual. If you are choosing between communication frameworks, our plain-language piece on Transactional Analysis describes the other model we teach, and the two pair well.
Questions on this topic.
What is the difference between a feeling and a need in NVC?+
A feeling is an inner state you can sense in the body: tense, relieved, lonely, curious. A need is the universal human requirement underneath it: safety, rest, connection, autonomy. Feelings change minute to minute; needs are constant, and everyone has the same set. In NVC a feeling is treated as a signal that a need is either met or unmet, which is why the two lists are always taught together.
Is there an official NVC needs list?+
The most widely used version is published by the Center for Nonviolent Communication, founded by Marshall Rosenberg in 1984, and most trainers adapt it slightly. It groups needs into categories such as connection, physical well-being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy and meaning. There is no single canonical wording, and Rosenberg himself said the list was a starting point, not a definition of human nature.
Why is 'abandoned' not a feeling in NVC?+
Because it describes what another person did, not what you sense inside. “I feel abandoned” implies “you abandoned me”, which the listener hears as an accusation and answers defensively. Rosenberg called these pseudo-feelings. The real feeling under “abandoned” is usually lonely, scared or sad, and the need is often companionship, support or security. Naming those instead keeps the conversation open.
How many feelings are on the NVC feelings list?+
It depends on the version. The CNVC-derived sheet most facilitators use holds around 60 words for feelings when needs are met and around 80 for when they are not, so roughly 140 in total. The count matters less than the range. Most adults use fewer than ten feeling words in daily speech, and the sheet's job is to widen that vocabulary, not to be memorised.
Can I use the NVC feelings and needs list with children?+
Yes, with a shorter version. Facilitators who work in schools typically cut each list to 15 or 20 words and add faces or pictures for younger children. The four-step structure stays the same. Observation and request are usually easy for children; the feeling and need steps are where the list helps, and where adults in the room tend to learn as much as the kids.
What is a request versus a demand in NVC?+
A request can be refused without punishment; a demand cannot. The words can be identical. The test is what happens when the other person says no: if you respond with guilt, blame or withdrawal, it was a demand. Our course manual adds three formal criteria for a request: it is doable, it is stated in the positive (what you want, not what you don't), and it is in the present tense.
Do you need to be certified to teach NVC?+
No law requires it. The CNVC certified-trainer title is protected by the organisation and takes several years to earn, but anyone may teach communication skills based on the model as long as they do not claim CNVC certification they don't hold. Private facilitator certificates, ours included, document training hours; they are not CNVC credentials, and a school should say so plainly.
How long does it take to become fluent in NVC?+
In our cohorts, the sheet stops being needed for the four steps after the six training days spread over a few months, with personal study between them. Fluency in live conflict, where you must guess someone else's feelings and needs under pressure, takes longer, typically a year of regular use. The people who get there fastest are the ones who practise on small daily irritations rather than saving the method for big conversations.
Tags:
Nonviolent CommunicationWhat it isHolistic practice
About the author
Valérie Fabre · Founder & Director, Harmonika Institute
Valérie Fabre founded Harmonika Institute in 2025, after a decade seeing clients in private kinesiology practice and, before that, thirteen years in international trade. A French-born polyglot who now splits her time between Dallas and Miami, she sets the school's curriculum and editorial standards and champions ethical, in-person training.
Read more about Valérie Fabre →